


the apex predator

by poisedwalrus



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU
Genre: Batfamily (DCU), Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Mean Girls Quotes, Mean Girls References, damian is the queen of beasts, jk we all know that dick is the queen bee, no one gets hit by a bus though, this is a cautionary tale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-09
Updated: 2020-01-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:01:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22190746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poisedwalrus/pseuds/poisedwalrus
Summary: “Right,” Tim says slowly. “That’s...logical. All things considered, ‘Nightwing frees the nipple’ isn’t the worst headline that’s ever been published about us.”Dick shows DamianMean Girls.It does not go well.
Relationships: Dick Grayson & Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson & Damian Wayne
Comments: 36
Kudos: 405





	the apex predator

**Author's Note:**

> i slept on a headache and woke up at 3 am 'cause i thought i was gonna hurl but this came out instead

Letting Dick introduce Damian to American culture had been, in retrospect, a terrible idea. 

It had quickly become one of the decisions Bruce regretted most in his life, and Bruce has spent half his life beating up criminals in a bat costume with his legion of accidentally adopted children, also dressed in a variety of bat-and-bird costumes.

Therefore, the whole affair had been very stressful, somewhat traumatic, but only potentially catastrophic.

Still, Bruce has regrets.

But, the thing is that, at first glance, it had been a good idea. Due to his upbringing, Dick is flexible in many ways. He adapts well, and Bruce knows he remembers his own confluence with America well enough to soften Damian’s rigid rejection of anything and everything foreign to him.

After all, Bruce remembers how Dick adapted to Gotham life quite well himself.

To rid Dick of his abstractly Eurasian and extremely identifiable accent and to train Robin in the linguistic fluency required to parse through Gotham’s villains’ taunts and monologues, Bruce used to sit with Dick and watch  _ Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood _ with him. Bruce’s presence was required to keep Dick still, help him concentrate, and prevent Alfred from arching an eyebrow at Bruce and issuing him a dry comment about taking responsibility for one’s own actions. And that was fine. Bruce had survived torture at the hands of the Joker. He could survive an hour of Fred Rogers.

It was only once Dick started sneaking into his office and surprise-attacking him with hugs while singing “You can’t really love someone else unless you really love yourself first!” did Bruce stop to consider if he had inadvertently created a monster.

Nonetheless, this experience renders Dick the best person to help Damian adjust to life in Gotham. Or so Bruce had thought.

Dick tries. Bruce knows he does. At the very least, he doesn’t immediately spring for  _ Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood. _

No, Damian’s unique personality indicates that Dick has to take an approach that differs greatly from Bruce’s.

And he does.

Dick shows Damian  _ Mean Girls _ .

“Why that movie?” Bruce asks, resisting the urge to put his face in his hands. That is not proper breakfast etiquette, and Alfred will not stand for it.

“It is a striking sociological analysis of American adolescents in the pseudo-animalistic ecosystem of high school, which is reflective both of the faux-civilized mien of adult society and the primal class system that dominates social dynamics between the majority of herd primates,” Damian says.

“It has a character named Damian in it,” Dick says at the same time.

A pause.

Tim snorts into his coffee.

Dick and Damian blink at each other, strangely— or perhaps not so strangely— in sync.

“Regardless,” Damian says stiffly, “I now wish to attend a public high school, Father.”

“Because of  _ Mean Girls _ ,” Bruce says, slowly putting down the paper.

“Yes,” Damian says, placing his utensils down and clasping his hands together, back straight and chin held high. “It has come to my attention that the American public high school provides an unparalleled environment for practicing one’s tactical approach to domination. For example, the character of Regina George exemplifies—“

“Dick,” Bruce interrupts.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m on it,” Dick says quickly, walking around the table and kneeling beside Damian. He carefully places his hands on Damian’s cheeks and turns his face towards him, so Damian can’t see Tim smirking into his mug.

“Dami,” Dick says gently. “I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear, but you do know  _ Mean Girls _ is a parody, right?”

A long pause. 

Bruce picks the paper back up, glancing over the edge.

With every passing second, Damian steadily grows redder.

Finally— “Of course, Richard,” he says stiffly. “I am aware that it is a parody. Why do you think I am not quibbling with the physical impossibility of two teenagers copulating in a mascot costume?”

Good. Bruce turns his attention back to the opinion columns. Crisis averted, now—

“Well, it’s not so much a physical impossibility as it is a—“ Dick visibly realizes who his audience is, slams his mouth shut, then flushes. “I mean...”

Oh.

Dear God, no.

“Richard?!” Damian says, at a pitch that is rapidly approaching a shriek.

“Oh no,” Tim says, pushing his plate away and standing up. “No, no, no, no—“

Bruce regrets ever even having the notion of family breakfasts.

——

Apparently, Dick’s sense of self preservation still hasn’t improved from his Robin days, so after the  _ Mean Girls _ misunderstanding, he sits Damian down for an hour of  _ Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood. _ Though, judging by the amount of yelling echoing throughout the manor, it is highly likely that Dick actually sits on Damian for most of that hour.

Fortunately, the resulting bloodshed is minimal.

Unfortunately, Damian ends up desecrating the Nightwing suit.

“Uh, Dick?” Tim says, looking up from where he and Bruce are cross-referencing case files.

“Hm?” Dick is checking over the Wingcycle while resolutely ignoring both the spare Batman suit draped suggestively over the Batchanging screen and the two holes cut suggestively across his uniform’s chest.

“Are you going out like that?” Tim asks hesitantly.

“Yeah?” Dick blinks. “It’s been a while since I’ve taken the Wingcycle out for a spin. You think Damian will mind sitting in the sidecar?”

“Um, yeah, I do think he’ll mind, actually, but I was asking about the whole”— Tim gestures vaguely at Dick’s torso. “—situation you’ve got going on there.”

“Oh, this?” Dick looks down. “Well, I feel kinda bad about bothering Alfie again after our last run in with Ivy.” Dick gestures across his torso and groin to unnecessarily remind them of how Poison Ivy’s latest creation shredded his suit in only the most suggestive fashion. That night, Bruce had to reprimand Robin for opting to fight blind rather than be flashed, though he managed to avoid injury even with that handicap since Poison Ivy was too distracted to put up much of a fight. Bruce now has a file on how to weaponize a peep show featuring Nightwing’s thighs on the Batcomputer, which is something he has never, ever wished for.

“So, perpetual nip slip is just gonna be Nightwing’s new look?” Tim says.

“Why not?” Dick shrugs. “It’s not like half of Gotham hasn’t seen them before anyway.”

Bruce sighs. One of the downsides of Dick’s maturation into an adult is that it is no longer a simple thing to differentiate between occasions during which he is being playful and occasions during which he is being deadly serious.

For Damian’s sake, Bruce hopes this is the former.

“Right,” Tim says slowly. “That’s...logical. All things considered, ‘Nightwing frees the nipple’ isn’t the worst headline that’s ever been published about us.”

“Exactly!” Dick says, with too much cheer for someone about to fight murderers and muggers in what now looks like fetish gear. “Hey, Robin!” he says, waving Damian over. “You ready to go?”

“Ye—“ Damian freezes, eyes stuck to Dick’s chest. “You… What are you doing, Richard?!”

“Uh, going to beat up criminals? Get in, loser, we’re going on patrol!” Dick leans against the Wingcycle like a pinup model and gestures towards the sidecar.

Damian’s eyes bulge.

He tackles Dick to the ground, screeching, and Bruce has to bribe Batgirl and Black Bat with a midnight snack from Alfred so that  _ someone _ will go out to patrol Gotham that night.

——

“Betrayal, Dick!” Stephanie laments over a plate of cookies and a glass of milk. “Betrayal! I can’t believe you showed Damian  _ Mean Girls _ without me! That’s not what Rome is about!”

“Calm down, Brutus,” Dick says. “Besides, the whole thing kinda backfired on me a little.” He reaches for a cookie, and Stephanie slaps his hand away.

“Then spill,” Stephanie says, spraying crumbs onto the counter.

“Well,” Dick says. He ruffles his hair somewhat abashedly. “Tonight, the Nightwing suit got a little…”

“Titty-windowed,” Cassandra interjects.

Stephanie guffaws.

“Cass!” Dick gasps, raising one hand to his mouth. “Has Jason been teaching you new words again?”

“Yes.” Cassandra takes a cookie in either hand.

“And not well, apparently,” Tim says, walking into the kitchen and patting Stephanie on the back as she chokes. “It’s not precisely a titty window” he explains to Cassandra. “A titty window would be a cut around here.” Tim traces a large oval under Dick’s collarbone with his finger.

“Ah,” Cassandra nods. “More like the disco suit.”

“Yup,” Stephanie says, while at the same time Dick squawks “No!”

Perhaps Bruce should have been more hands-on with regards to his children’s upbringing.

“And now Damian’s also insisting on going to a public school—“

“—Probably because he thinks he can hit someone with a school bus if he doesn’t like them—“

“—Tim! But, yeah,” Dick shrugs helplessly.

A pause.

“Is that it?” Stephanie asks, looking disappointed. “He doesn’t even have a burn book with the whole Justice League in it or anything?”

“No,” Dick says.

“Not that we know of,” Tim adds.

That is true. Damian does not have a burn book in his room. Bruce has checked. Thrice.

Speak of the devil—

“You nuisances are disturbing my sleep,” Damian announces as he struts into the kitchen.

“Good,” Tim deadpans, while Dick waves Damian over with “Cookies, Dami!”

Stephanie chews obnoxiously in his direction.

“Why are you still here, Brown?” Damian narrows his eyes. “Don’t you have more classmates whose murders you should be getting framed for?”

Bruce tenses, but Stephanie just smiles.

“Want one, Dami?” she says, placing emphasis on the nickname. She dangles a cookie above his head. “Or do you really want to lose three pounds or something?”

Damian looks at the cookie as if it’s poisoned.

“That should be more of your concern, Fatgirl,” he sniffs.

“Boo. You whore,” Stephanie rolls her eyes and stuffs the cookie in her mouth.

Damian lunges for her face.

“Damian!”

Luckily, Dick intercedes before the kitchen becomes a murder scene. Bruce doesn’t know how he’d explain that one to Alfred.

For some reason, he doesn’t think putting the responsibility onto Fred Rogers would go over well.

——

“...And so you decided to come to me.”

“Yes.”

“Because you think I’m so well-adjusted,” Jason scoffs.

“I think you have good taste,” Bruce corrects. “And, during the process of imparting that good taste, I think you would be less likely to murder Damian or be murdered by Damian than Tim.”

Jason looks slightly mollified by this statement. But, he still crosses his arms and give Bruce an intractable look.

Bruce sighs. 

This is for Damian. And for the continued survival of the manor.

“Please, Jason.”

Jason blinks. His arms unfold.

A long silence.

Finally— “Fine,” Jason says gruffly. “Since you said ‘please.’ But,” he says, raising one finger, “I’m making you fund our trip to NYC.”

“New York?” Bruce says, eyes narrowing. “Why do you need to take Damian to New York?”

“Gee, old man,” Jason rolls his eyes. “I didn’t know going to see a Broadway musical was a crime.” 

Huh. 

Broadway?

“What?” Jason says defensively. “It’s a quintessential American experience.”

“Oh,” Bruce nods solemnly. “Alright then.”

Jason smiles with all his teeth.

Hm.

For some reason, Bruce has a bad feeling about this.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm not procrastinating you're procrastinating
> 
> been doing some batfam-ish fan art on [tumblr](https://h-l-w.tumblr.com/) too if you're into that


End file.
